Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.

You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.

don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings

“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds

Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away

Husband: I said I would do it

Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY

Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag

I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.

We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!

Pedant: Actually…

[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]

I don’t judge you when you make a typo.

I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.

Then I judge you.

I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paper

and cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliances

forgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes

I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me

And now begins the yearly tradition of writing the incorrect year on everything, for the next 3 months.

Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.

I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.

I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️

A wife is like a hand grenade.

Remove the ring, and your house is gone.

Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.

3yo: can we watch something?

Me: sure what do you want?

3yo: anything but the maps.

The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien

Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…

Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly

Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is

U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…

I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.

In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.

not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan

Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve

Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.

Chefs: you eat with your eyes first

Me, eating with my mouth: oh no

I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.

Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”

Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”

If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.

The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.