Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.

I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.

Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.

Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.

Dog: I will do anything for you

Human: drop the ball

Dog: nope

I’d … I’d rather not.

Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?

Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.

Me: And?

Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.

Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023

*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*

Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!

Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”

Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”

*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”

12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.

Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.

12yo: Kids do that?

Me:

12yo:

Me: No.

why does this picture look like abed accidentally transported into gilmore girls and not that the actor is actually in this scene

I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.

Thou shalt not commit adulthood

I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.

this one is dumb but worth the zoom-in, i swear

Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.

“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.

10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye

I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.

“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”

Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.

The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.

Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.

My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.

i live in constant fear of being asked to repeat what you just said after i say im listening

Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.

Also me: Oh shit that was today.

I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.

God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me

The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.

If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.

brother-in-law: guess how many miles I cycled today?

my 10yo: I don’t know, 4000?

him: no, 100.

10: oh, well hang in there and keep practicing!

On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.