Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.

[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*

Mommy, what are these?

“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”

Oh, then you shouldn’t yell

“Why?”

[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP

What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?

Merry Christmas everyone

[first date with woman who has a kid]

HER: i’m a single mom

ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were

moms in horror movies

Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time

Toddler: I WANNA HELP!

[exiting the voting booth with a little cup of urine] does anybody know who I give this too?

coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december

me: stop living in the past

Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*

[first day on the job as a drug dealer]

*giggles*

“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”

*gets stabbed*

If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.

Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.

Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.

*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU

An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.

COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately

Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?

Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.

Wife: I counted 19.

Me: Well I rounded down.

Salons always have hair on the floor. Garages always have oil on the floor.

Banks, what is your problem?

I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.

Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care

Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that

New menu item

One day you’re young and carefree, the next somebody refers to a movie set in the 80s as a period piece.

When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.

just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe

my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…

The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them

(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?

I look at how fast my boys are growing and sometimes feel sad at the thought of them moving out some day. Which immediately turns into anxiety as I think “but what if they never move out?”

Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.