*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
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I love to see “pan-fried” on a menu. I hate food that’s fried in a shoe or a dolphin or something
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
This classic never gets old . . .
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.
My hips? Compulsive liars.