Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
You Might Also Like
Good morning!
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
[after eating a weird candy on the willy wonka tour]
me: ok…I think I’m ok. none of my body parts seem to be effected, and they’d be singing if—oompa loompa: 🎶oompa loompa doompety deenis🎶
me: aaaah… darn. darn it.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
no way 😭
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
Toxic snake
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
courtroom exchange of the day
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
ew if literal: let me be clear
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”