Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
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Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens