Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

employee: should I restock the vegetables

manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training

employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce

You can’t make me breathe heavy.

You aren’t a flight of stairs.

Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.

Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….

Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”

Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?

You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.

[trying to unhook a bra]

*kung fu noises*

I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive

You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.

Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.

[10:06pm]

13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.

Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.

13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.

My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.

My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.

Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill

in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful

sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings

1st Born: If you hold him support his head.

2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.

3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.

Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.

*flies away with my broom*

Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at

[first day as assassin]
mob boss: we need you to take care of someone
me: *spends next 25 years feeding & clothing a chap called dutch tony*

TRAIN’S HERE

I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.

I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people

I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.

Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.

I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…

Her: “Move.”

My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?

Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.

My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.

It could be worse.

You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.