Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.

I’m not sorry.

the joy of watching bob’s burgers on Disney+ is slightly diminished knowing Mickey is legally allowed to hunt me for sport because I signed up for the streaming service

TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT

Me: *laughing in the face of danger*

Danger: *kills me*

BETRAYAL

“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance

The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.

What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?

New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.

ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats

MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty

Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something

Used to be you could wash your pots and pans immediately after use and be done with it. But you can’t anymore. Because of soak

last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht

*walks in on family gathering*

I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD

My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices

My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too cold

Under my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect

My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.

No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.

if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.

There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).

Whenever you feel like the world is falling apart, take a deep breath and remember you’re right.

My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.

SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.

Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.

I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”

If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.

this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray

The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.

5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!