bugs when you lift up a rock
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My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
working on a name for my new business
my buddy says I can’t call it “Guillotines For Billionaires” because it sounds like we’re trying to sell the guillotines to the billionaires, which we are not
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like a little treat from your past self, sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like it was planned by a malevolent buffoon, hellbent on crushing your morale
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?