bugs when you lift up a rock
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[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
Guy: I like you.
Me: *immediately goes into a karate stance*
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Let’s Go
I’m not a 10, I’m more like two 5s stuck together with melted cheese
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.