Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
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I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.