Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
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Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
The wasps relocated from the grill to the patio umbrella. Someone needs to talk to them about their life choices but it’s not going to be me cause they can sting you over and over and My Girl you and then go on with their lives like nothing
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
If you’re going to stare all night and not say hello, do you mind taking your fingers and squishing my head from across the room?
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
Health and fitness is really important to me
Dips the French fry in the mashed potatoes
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail