Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
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[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
Guys it is ofc possible that I have misunderstood but I have just been told that the hotel I’m staying at for work offers ‘free 24 hour cheese’
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers