Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
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We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
We wanted a small, tasteful wedding. No friends, no family, no bride. Just me, sitting alone, ordering Uber Eats
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x