Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
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Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
And can’t believe that neither of them is even the one with brain worms.
first you must answer his riddles
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.