“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
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wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
I bought wings for my employees today and one of them ate 20 wings and then resigned 20 minutes later. Fair play
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Follow people around the park while carrying 10 rubber chickens. There’s no law that says you can’t.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?