Building contractors don’t want your help, Annie, even when you offer them your Altoids tin full of brads.
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If they can make a nuclear reactor small enough to power a submarine, why can’t they make one for my house
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
he’s mad at me cause i keep replying “🧯” to every girl that comments “🔥” on his pictures
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
Black Friday “markdowns” like
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Dude last night asked me “do you walk like that on purpose?” and I’ll think about it forever
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works