Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband in the next room of our small old house trying to store away the unreasonable bounty he brought home from Costco tonight: “I have made errors. Why did I think we had this much room for pancake mix?”

The timeline of microwave popcorn:

< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential

I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.

husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?

me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes

Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*

Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*

*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!

Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.

Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.

Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.

Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*

Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?

I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear

12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.

My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.

once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own

VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things

Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?

DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?

Good luck with my paper jam, next person.

Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.

Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.

If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time

One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.

*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*

Werewolf 1: Edibles!

if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play

tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism

I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.

We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.

Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!

Friend: *Nodding* endorphins

Me: No, just whales

HER: my friend katie is single again

ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up

HER: yes!

[later]

DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!