building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
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Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
#parenting
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise