building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
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I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Them: it’s a fool’s errand
Me: then I’m the man for the job
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
People reporting the royal family to the police for living suspiciously lavish lives without a job or any work to show for it is exactly what I needed to hear today!😂🤣😂😅🤣🙊🤭😂😂🤣😅🤣😂😅🥲🤣😂😅🤭🙊🥲🤣🤣😂👏👏👏👏
#Grifters
#AbolishTheMonarchy
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
Y’all I’m dead AF over this 😂😂😂😂😭😭😭☠️☠️☠️
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Why is bacon called bacon and cookies called cookies if you cook bacon and bake cookies?
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
A family that plays together cheats.
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.