building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
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I love my sister and even when I struggled as a teenage lesbian shes been a wonderful ally but how do I tell her that whenever we’re watching something and an unexpected gay scene happens she doesn’t have to turn to me and stare at me like this 😊
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
Dumplings,
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
just told my cat that she and I invented cats sitting on laps. she has no way of knowing otherwise, and it’s nice for her to get a win, but… I worry. she believed me instantly—where is the critical thinking? and honestly I’m not happy with how easily the lie came out my mouth
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT