Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?

Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?

Me: yes.

1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark

2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal

Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”

“No points, illegal kick to the face.”

“But I’m the hero of this movie.”

“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”

-The Karate Kid

I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???

Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now

ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something

No, of course I’m not mad.

It’s fine.

*goes home, starts building a Death Star.

If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.

Cats (2019)

Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.

Naps are like gambling for the tired. You either wake up refreshed or wake up the next day to lots of angry texts.

can I use a minion as a tampon

doctor: jogging will extend your life

me: thanks for the warning

There should be a good 15 hours in between waking up and having to interact with people.

[pediatricians office]

8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!

Me: Please don’t say it like that.

*Someone compliments me*

Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.

My man let the intrusive thoughts win 😅

Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw

Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does

I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.

me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!

7yo: What’s the radio?

eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots

*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction

My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M

Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes

I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!

Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.

(Just overheard in the dentist waiting room)

Kid: Mrs Davies taught us about negotiataners

Mum: You mean negotiations?

Kid: *considers* Let’s agree on negotiatans

Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.