BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
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Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
we need to bring back easter eggs on DVDs in case the Doctor ever needs to communicate with someone thirty years in the future to warn them about a race of terrifying sentient statues with the power to send people back in time.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
I was actually a little too thankful yesterday so today I’m going to even it out with some ungratefulness and entitlement
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
the chicken was already gone when I got here
