BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
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BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Air conditioning – not a fan
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
Carpe DM
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.