[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
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My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
there’s probably a fee though
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
😂🍻
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
Frodo is a beautiful name for a boy. Has a ring to it.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
You’d think wearing a hospital gown in a pharmacy would insure prompt service, well I’m here to tell you kids, it does not.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
My kid wants to earn money to go on a pricey school trip next year and asked if the tooth fairy gives money for other body parts.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball