Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*

My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.

I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work

“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”

“DAD?!”

[next day]

“Where you going with that broom handle?”

“Checkin for squirrels”

[1st date]

date: …you said you had abs

me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan

SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.

PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?

SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.

Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:

1. Work

women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there

One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.

i’m really proud of how brave i was at a haunted house last week. it makes me think maybe i should pursue my fantasy of being a war photographer

Before a PhD: I don’t know.

After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.

T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R

Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.

I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.

Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.

*finds there’s no coffee*

{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}

A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.

[Bear attack]

Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.

Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!

I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.

I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.

Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.

I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .

Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡

[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-

me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.

guy: where is our regular priest

Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground

My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break

[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that

Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?

Me: Where’s your water bottle?

3yo: I don’t know.

Me: Can you please go look for it?

3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.

My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.

Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.

We were frantic.

Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.

Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.