Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.

Me: ok cool.

~6 mos later~

Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?

Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.

Ghost: [quietly sobs]

Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.

This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.

“please don’t give me the ball, please don’t give me the ball”

-memories of playing high school sports

*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*

LADY: MY JACKET!!!

Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.

We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God

Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.

Him: How was your day?

Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.

me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean

brain: probably will be good in a minute

me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month

AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE

Thanks.

My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?

Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥

like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down

my life changed when i learned some house spiders can’t survive outside so now i just catch them and release them in a friend’s home

“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.

#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield

If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?

I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.

This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan

Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.

My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.

ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way

Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.

teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot

[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing

*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*

[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*

Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting

a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it

Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor

date: I think we’ve actually met before

picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces