Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘We both know you need to pee:’

~the monster under my bed

The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?

Nope just me back from the gym

[job interview]

“Have any questions?”

Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?

Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?

John Smith: …

Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.

me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am

girl: i asked for water

me: patience, Linda

today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence

Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]

random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!

Friend: Let’s get a table outside

Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?

my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out

The term “domestic housewife” implies that there are feral houswives and now i have a new goal

My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.

in high school i thought it would be the funniest thing to have someone dressed in a scooby mascot costume come to my wedding and just behave like a normal, shy guest and not let anyone photograph the ceremony. then, years later, gaslight everyone there who said that happened

Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.

CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK

Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.

Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long

Hedgehog: no

my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…

“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”

-Humans

Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?

Me: We were robbed.

Husband: They only took the cookies?

Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?

People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.

You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.

[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP

how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby

Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.

Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”

Spend $200 on cat toys

Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP

wife’s secretary: she’s in a meeting but I can take a message
me out of breath: there’s a cricket in da house

BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?

ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile