*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
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the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”