Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”

Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background

OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut

Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name

wife: tell me her name

*slap*

wife: TELL ME HER NAME

*slap slap*

wife: and where did you get a seal anyway

I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?

Sometimes words are just not enough

And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower

Me: the cords are tangled.

Brain: pull at them.

Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?

Brain: pull at them violently.

I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her

shaggy sneaking off to the kitchen to make a big a** sandwich while the rest of mystery inc is investigating the haunted house

psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed

[prison hospital]

PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?

CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of

PRIEST: …

CHARLES MANSON: …

PRIEST: Do you want a hint?

I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.

There has never been a better time to go into a shoe store and surreptitiously stuff a note into the largest shoe you can find: “This used to be my family home, you b*****ds. Signed, Old Woman.”

“I wasn’t born yesterday.”

-hilarious talking baby

I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.

When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.

I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.

If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.

“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”

Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help

“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”

I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?

Me: Happy Easter!

Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!

Me: The Jesus thing?

Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!

A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.

I’m here all week😬

Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.

Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents

Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?

Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.

I want a president who promises no jobs. I don’t want to have a job

You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.

Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.

3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?

Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.

3yo: Why would someone want that?

I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.

And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”