Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight

Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”

Translation: They’re staring straight at me.

Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”

Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.

[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.

You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.

[at Starbucks]

ME: One large starbuck please.

BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-

ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.

If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.

If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.

At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.

Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it

[Boiling in a pot]

Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!

Girl lobster: I’m cold

In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.

I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.

No crypto for me thanks, at least not until I figure out how dollars work.

He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk

Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.

Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan

[First day of dropping kids off at school]

*Hugs and crying*

[2nd day]

“Get out!”

[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury

Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.

Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.

18: Who’s saved in your phone as No?

Me: Like 10 different people, let’s just work on minding our own business.

“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6

Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.

Me: Make sure you close the bag.

My kids:

i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem

fedex guy: here’s ur package

me: thanks

fedex guy: sign please

me: [blushing] Pisces

Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?

What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?

I’m that

My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.

We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.

A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.

No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.