Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.

wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?

Great news everyone! the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery

me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind

*time travels to the 1950s*

Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet

1950s person: incredible! How does it work?

Me:

[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]

My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.

The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.

As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word

ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary

I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.

ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human

But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?

Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.

-I almost said Denver 🤦‍♀️

Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!

Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?

Dracula: *sighing* I guess.

I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.

In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera

Counting your noodles demonstrates an affinity for ramen numerals.

If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.

Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.

when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”

After someone threw milkshake at a politician today, people are saying it could have been a bomb, which is crazy because why would you throw milkshake at a bomb?

Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”

I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler

I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”

It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.

My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again

WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something

ME: *gulps* oh no

WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”

“No!”

-An A to Z guide to parenting.

Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child