Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish

My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party

I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken

The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.

The good news is cannon deaths have gone down dramatically in the last hundred years.

My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot

*Wife screams*

“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”

*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*

“It’s his house now”

I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”

Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one

Vacation is a time when every part of you can relax except your bowels.

when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick

My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.

Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation

Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations

My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???

New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.

So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?

Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…

Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.

Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.

[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes

Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.

Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.

[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado

Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”

Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”

**Mom cries running out the room

Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?

Them: you should buy crypto

Me:

Them: ok sell it now

Me:

Them: nvm buy it back

Me:

Them: OMG SELL IT

Me: [pulls AirPods out] what

[ cookout ]

Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!

Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup

If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?

I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.

[airplane nose dives]

*turns to kid behind

‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’

A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”