Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?

Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.

a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans

I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.

“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”

– Me, camping

The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam

Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.

I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.

It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight

[human resources]

Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?

Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot

Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.

Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.

Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?

Me: of course! please come in!

[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]

Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!

My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?

*Interrupts your meltdown*

Where do you keep the good snacks!?

ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful

HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was

ME: ok now i’m bummed again

FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN

I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.

Interviewer: So why do you want this job?

Me: I don’t. I just need money.

Was it something I said?

Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*

Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate

Me: *shyly lifts top*

Husband: no

“Can I take your order?”

Wait, take it where?

“No, not-”

I haven’t even given you my order yet

“I mean-”

WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER

If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.

I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!

never stops being funny

me and the Superbowl rn

I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.

Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?

2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!

Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?

2: I eat it.

Well that escalated quickly.

I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.

judge: your word is meaningless.

me: meaningless. m-e-a-

lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.

I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot