Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.

8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?

Me: Why, yes we are!

“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly

Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles

Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.

I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much

According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast

Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.

Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

Her: We need to talk

Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?

If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?

If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.

Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it

Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.

Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.

Her: That’s what I heard…

My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be

I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.

The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.

You’re an adult – you can eat the whole tube of toothpaste if you want to. No one can stop you

Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.

Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.

Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower

Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*

Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”

If she says yes, you can sit where she was.

I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat

everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck

Dentist appointments are so weird. “Hi nice to meet you could you root around in my mouth for a bit?”

Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.

Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…

…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.

God: you’re a fire ant.

Fire Ant: what does that mean?

God: when you bite something it burns like fire.

Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?

God: what-no.

Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!

DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?

People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes

My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.

My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.