Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.

the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one

surely this is the hangover that will teach me my lesson

The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.

If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.

Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices

I don’t want kids, but I do want grandkids. Hoping science finds a way

If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.

*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.

Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Yes.

Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?

My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “

Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.

Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!

Did you know Yoda has a last name?

It’s Layheehoo…

4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled

I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!

(There is no school this week)

i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips

Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down

When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.

Apparently you’re not supposed to announce that there’s been a death in the family every time you kill a houseplant

BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.

true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”

THEN: Pizza

NOW: Cauliflower Pizza

THEN: Mashed Potatoes

NOW: Mashed Cauliflower

THEN: Fried Rice

NOW: Cauliflower Rice

THEN: Steak

NOW: Cauliflower Steak

THEN: Leather Jacket

NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat

THEN: A Car

NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.

For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!

Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.

I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half

I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for

How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet

I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.

My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*