Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up

20s: I’m on top of the world!

50s: stop the world I want to get off!

Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot

Priest: absolutely not

My dad : My mom :
Disciplined Graceful

🤝

Me : Disgrace😭

wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!

wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home

11-year-old: I folded the laundry.

Me: You only folded one thing.

11: Is laundry plural?

Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.

The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.

I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way

Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.

Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…

I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly

IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training

me: *report as phishing*

me: see you later alligator

crocodile: [frustrated sigh]

WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?

Interview Tip #3

speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself

[later]

Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?

Me: *confidently* nothing

The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.

When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.

[on an interview]

Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*

Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*

Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit

I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.

Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week

ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink

WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it

Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.

Direct deposit: $1400

Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees

Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.

Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere

My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.

chews marshmallows with bovine intensity

“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”

[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*

If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.