Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
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A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
he looks great for his age
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Does it…does it take 3 days