Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)

So, slam poetry is not a wrestling move, the more you know

me: dentist said the kids have the plague

wife: plaque

me: yes a memorial would be good

Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”

[after winning scratch off ticket]

*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*

Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?

There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”

My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch

My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.

[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.

Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.

As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.

I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.

So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.

There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.

[Texting]

Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?

Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing

Him: That’s hot

Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices

We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.

6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower

People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.

It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication

I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!

My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!

He’s nowhere to be found.

*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”

Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be

[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”

right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson

OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]

Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.

DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.

Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.

[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!

Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can

Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy