Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.

me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough

him: sorry, but—

m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?

h: *sighs, pours*

m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please

h: now may I go back to giving communion?

[4 hours later]

Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes

[job interview]

“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

Getting asked this question somewhere else

So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.

6: What’s a hangover?

Me: The interest repayment on fun.

Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough

Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.

H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.

M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.

I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.

[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD

Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting

Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.

If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.

Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.

Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now

*Weird bird sound in the distance*

4 year old: “what’s that ?”

Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”

4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation

Him: I’m breaking up with you

Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?

Him: yes

Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay

No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory

*looks hard af*

*pukes polaroid*

Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.

When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like

Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.

i’m a single issue voter. i’m single and it’s an issue

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.

There were shockingly few machete murders at tennis camp.

exec: any ideas for new kids shows

writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster

exec: nice. what else?

writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite

exec: love it. any more?

writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun

Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.

Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.

Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips

I never put a pair of socks together when I put them out to dry, because I think it’s nice for them to socialise with other socks & have some time apart. They’ll appreciate each other more when they’re back together.

Sometimes I think working from home may be affecting my brain.