Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.

what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?

For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.

5: *comes in room* hey old lady

Me: *looks around*

5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady

Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*

John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.

It’s so cold that men who wear shorts outside in the winter are wearing TWO pairs of shorts

Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party

acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog

I come from a family of failed magicians.

I have 2 half sisters

Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.

What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?

[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows

Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”

Happy, happy holidays.

Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.

servant: what size should I make the bed?

king: like this *spreads arms*

The darkness in me is making me sneeze.

I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.

Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.

Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.

Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.

‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker

In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?

Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!

(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.

Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people

An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.

What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?

I’ll go first: I went to college.

[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]

It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!

Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”

When I was a kid, I had this game called ‘Worm Church,’ where I’d bring Worms to my room and read them the Bible.