bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
You Might Also Like
When you put it that way… 😂
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
.
.
.
.
.
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
When a shoelace touches your ankle
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
“tom cruise does his own stunts” ok? so do i. i just have fewer stunts to do. fewer stunts are being asked of me
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.