Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itself

Cons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.

[being murdered]

me: hey are u Scottish

murderer: actually i am

me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG

I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.

someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house

Yup

Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen

Picasso: Here

Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up

Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.

My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.

IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice

ME: I really don’t know what you want from me

I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.

Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.

[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*

Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?

COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?

ME: She’s my wife

MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]

I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!

Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.

For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.

I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.

My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.

life: do your best

me: (doing my best)

life: no a different best

Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.

Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.

waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?

me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?

I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins

#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆

When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.

When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.

My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.

I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.

Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently