Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.

me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember

me 5 seconds later: oh no

I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*

*listening to a Dateline podcast

Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.

Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep

me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember

Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up

I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.

Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.

You get to choose which path you take.

I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.

If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire

I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.

big day for dogs who love to absolutely lose their shit when the doorbell rings

I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.

Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?

Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.

My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.

Ninety-five percent of my new follows are beautiful Russian women, which tells me one thing. I’ve still got it!

Me: I need sex, and I need it now…

Her: I understand. You want to be alone.

What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.

god: you’re a pig

pig: huh

god: you’re filthy

pig: yeesh

god: you eat slop from a trough

pig: c’mon

god: you stink

pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?

god: here’s the thing

“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”

guy: excuse me, can you jump my car

me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it

guy: no like-

me: *handing phone* take a video

My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates

Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.

hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park

Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.

Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges

So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.

Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.

It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.

#COVID19

I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.