Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate

facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once

Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?

Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies

[pronounces modeling like yodeling]

If I was a boss I would treat my goons right. They would know love. “You got it, boss” will be met with “Stay safe out there, boys. You’re my pride and joy”

Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN

I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end

I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.

Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes

Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.

Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist

I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”

I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.

I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…

*pulls up to drive thru window

Hi yes, do you guys deliver?

*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*

Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now

Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.

What do you call a man with no car???

…an Uber.

I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.

Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit

i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section

*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*

Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater

He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.

Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….

*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*

When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”

They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.

That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors

i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.