Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

welcome back

[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”

I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.

That is why I don’t flirt

The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.

I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.

I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.

My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.

Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.

If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.

A rich person walking around like “oh my, where are my manors?”

wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous

While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.

unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]

when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it

*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*

Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.

Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.

Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife

Me: It’s murder monday

Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday

My boss just set a meeting for July  2024 and a little piece of me died.

I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.

will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days

[texting]

Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?

Her: too long, didn’t read

Me: oh ffs you too?

I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.

Here goes….

My hips have lied. Like…a lot.

Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed

Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU

Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.

out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted

The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.

[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]

“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”

Cats are about as useful as a football bat.