@aotakeo

Bully: gimme ur sandwich

Me [pulls knife]

Bully: hey man I don’t want any-

Me: -crusts. i know

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@iamburtjarvis

me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?

sean bean: you want my autograph or not?

me: I do, shawn bawn.

@WilliamAder

Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”

@Canadian_Cutie_

Him: do you swallow

Me: Yes

*walks away mumbling. How else do you think I eat. Idiot

@girlontapas

My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.

Him: Being a teenager is tough.

Me: *sigh* I’m 40.

@drivingmemadi

date: i love that you know about plots of land

me: thanks that means a lot

@goodballs

If your bf/gf is mad at you put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super mad!” If they laugh marry them.

@ericsshadow

The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.

@imence2

I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….nnn…..I just love smell of campfires.