Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
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The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
O Wise One….
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy