@aotakeo

Bully: gimme ur sandwich

Me [pulls knife]

Bully: hey man I don’t want any-

Me: -crusts. i know

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@UmarHSoaries

They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.

– Reasons why I drink

@AsgardianRose

Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.

Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.

@TitansHomer

My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.

@justaride

please tell me that when we defeat ISIS they will have to become WASWAS

@TheAlexNevil

7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away

@mommajessiec

If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.

@bonehugsnirony

Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.

@junejuly12

[walking into Sephora]

me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.

my husband: I’m right here you know

@TheAlexNevil

Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.