Bully: gimme ur sandwich

Me [pulls knife]

Bully: hey man I don’t want any-

Me: -crusts. i know

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They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.

– Reasons why I drink


Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.

Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.


My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.


please tell me that when we defeat ISIS they will have to become WASWAS


7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away


If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.


Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.


[walking into Sephora]

me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.

my husband: I’m right here you know


Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.