I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
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casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
1 in 5 bosses will let you leave work early if you claim to have ‘lady problems’ then start crying. It works even better for guys.
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
Never trust an anti-aging lotion that has an expiry date.