Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
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As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
watching old Beatles concerts is so fascinating it’s four guys shaped like suits going plinky plonky lemme love you girlie oh yeah and then it cuts to the audience and there’s a girl having the most intense spiritual experience of her life
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
They’re the worst 😩
I finally gave up telling my Boomer mum there’s no fine for not rewinding the movie after watching it anymore… Netflix have people who do that after you go to bed, mum!
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
They delivered 70 boxes of snacks and water for our summer program. I unloaded 3 hand trucks in like 15 min. The delivery guy gonna say “I was gonna ask for your number but you too strong and independent I’d rather just tell you we’re hiring” 😭😭😭😭😭
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
