Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As an actual “professional” screenwriter, the sheer ratio of jokes/second here is insane. This is an all-timer no question.

I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.

*NEW*

For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.

PUNderwear ®

Comfort is No Laughing Matter™

She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome

My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.

All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner

For those that worship cheese..

Me: hey babe I got you something!

Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.

Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.

I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate

I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu

Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated

I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters

*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.

I met a microbiologist today…

He was a lot bigger than I expected.

Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?

guys i’ve cracked the code

You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.

Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute

There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”

My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.

Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?

Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron

me texting friend: ooh what happened?!

friend: *sends elaborate voice note *

me to myself: guess I’ll never know

WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.

ME: *barely audible* embargo pants

HER: Get out

my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her

The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.

Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try

[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.