Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
You Might Also Like
Some people are so fake there lock screens don’t recognise them
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
💀💀
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
5 ways to appear taller
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
Hey guys if anyone was thinking about asking me to cut their hair I’d strongly encourage against it and any further questions on that can be directed to my boyfriend who is now, as of 20 minutes ago, for reasons no one can quite pinpoint, more or less bald
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate