Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.

Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.

M:

H: Please leave Home Depot.

Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?

Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier

[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”

I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.

I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.

-Everyone’s mom

“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”

GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff

Me: why not?

GENIE: I make the rules

ME: I wish I made the rules

GENIE: …dammit

Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?

We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.

amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one

“My desires are… unconventional.”

“Show me.”

*opens door to a room full of memes*

According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/

I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.

My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.

At the park.

4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?

Me:

Me:

Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!

Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.

Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.

When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.

George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”

When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.

*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING

I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?

(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast

Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat

Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”

I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”

Alex: A ship that has sunk

What is my relationship?

Alex: No sorry tha-

[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex

5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.

Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?

My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.