bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
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If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️