bully: hey 2015 called, they want t-

me: wait they called?

bully: well tha-

me: [grabbing his collar] YOU’VE GOT TO WARN THEM

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Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless


I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.

*trips over globe and breaks both legs*


1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*


i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke


i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas


Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I use beer. I call this the Heineken maneuver


Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.


“Boys don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses”

-I remind myself as I flirt with the fire extinguisher I’ve mistaken for a cute guy


You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.