I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
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When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
what kind of cook setting is this??
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”