Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*

No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!

*throws cat at Kinko’s employee

[first day as a self defense teacher]

Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?

Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up

Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!

Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!

Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.

Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.

I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.

My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.

My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.

I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.

My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is

When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.

I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.

The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.

Every haunted house movie:

People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.

I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.

My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.

Plumber: I think I found the problem

9: [doing something dangerous]

me: ok look I’m afraid you’re going to slip, fall and crack your head open and die

9: you’re always afraid of something like that.

A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.

Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.

[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!

SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS

Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.

Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?

When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.

Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then

Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?

“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.