Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms

Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.

My 6yo just told me all about this new place he heard about and wants to visit this weekend, so I asked for more details, aaaand it’s a casino

I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.

A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.

[during sex]

Him: punish me, baby

me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*

Him: wait, stop

me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you

Him: *dies*

Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.

I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.

This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby

I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it

The Weeknd is back

My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.

Don’t worry. I never get laid.

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.

#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes

I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human

hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like

I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.

Social distancing in Australia:

every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup

[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really

Dog: I will do anything for you

Human: drop the ball

Dog: nope

[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?

Me: Yeah

*bird screaching*

Girl: I said condom not condor

Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.

Girl:

Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?

I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.

I slept like a baby, knowing I’m a burden to everyone around me

Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.

Until my 30s I ate the whole Apple, core and all. When people looked surprised, I told them it was healthy; the ‘whole food’. Then my Mum admitted she’d taught me that so I didn’t leave rotting apple cores in the back seat of the car.

[on the playground]

mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car

3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much

Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”

Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.

Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.

And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”

McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell

just left a huge legacy in there

Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.