BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
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[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Me: Donates my body to science
Science: Donates my body to Goodwill
Goodwill: Revives me and tells me to get out of their damn store
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone