Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.

on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys

1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside

Still writing HBO Max on my checks

[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”

*glances up from GameBoy*

SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?

RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on

[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie

Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.

I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN

Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?

Astronomer: No, comet.

Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one

I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.

I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.

One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”

If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.

Move the bed into the kitchen, bro

At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.

This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.

A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.

I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me. The old woman next to me said, “It’s pronounced ‘quiche’, dear.”

Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?

I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming

I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.

Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”

The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks

[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]

*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?

Wife: Please go wait in the car

The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.

Breaking news:

Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?

My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.

I laughed.

…

She stared at me until I paid her.