BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
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Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
back to work
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
How software testing works
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*