The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
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First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
I’m so antisocial, i won’t even meet my potential.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
A Facebook friend posted 8 pictures of himself fixing a lawnmower, so I drove over and shot him. It just felt like the right thing to do.
*stands by cucumbers at grocery store
*hides by baby carrots
*gets ego boost