*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
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Seeking hostile female rage rhino to suffocate me with her thighs. Smoker’s cough a plus. Oxygen tank required. No crazies.
Friends and lovers may come and go but allergies are forever.
Fail-proof diet: cut sugar, fats, pasta, alcohol, bread and wrists.
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you
[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT