@cwhudson

BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day

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@Thedudish

The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.

@baseballchickie

First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.

(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)

@Dana_Bruno

My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.

@Eden_Eats

I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.

@sarcasticmommy4

Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.

@SteveSuckington

“Why did u jump off that bridge?”

My friend did it too

“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”

Yes. I literally just said that

@phxguy88

A Facebook friend posted 8 pictures of himself fixing a lawnmower, so I drove over and shot him. It just felt like the right thing to do.

@Roxtalled

*stands by cucumbers at grocery store

*feels intimidated

*hides by baby carrots

*gets ego boost