Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jesus: Time for a miracle!

Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch

Jesus:

Puritan:

Jesus: who likes fish

You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.

You also look like a bad speller.

I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.

PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.

I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.

I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.

Me: And this is my house

Friend: What’s upstairs?

Me: Stairs don’t talk.

“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.

Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water

Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”

The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜

overrated: crying in the shower

underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos

What time will the Easter candy be discounted?

CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.

Ok. I’ll call back later.

Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough

Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie

*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*

I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.

they should schedule doctor appts like

DOORS 8:15
Nurse 8:25
Doctor 8:40

If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing

there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again

Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.

the #horror is real!

Preserved fruit, that’s my jam

DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen

[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account

When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.

[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No

<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?

Me: no

My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.

It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back

Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group

Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.