Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“My phone is blowing up!”

*2 unread messages*

[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds

[first day as a real estate agent]

me: as you can see this is a beautiful house

client: how many floors does it have

me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room

The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.

If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.

Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …

and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.

They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.

“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”

“No sun.”

The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.

Husband praying mantis: I have a headache

If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.

So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.

WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it

WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.

To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.

Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams

Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus

Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist

Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.

me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY

me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying

by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids

R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary

A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit

“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.

You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”

Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.

If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?

Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose

Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger

YI:

Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite

How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic

As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.

I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”

My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….

Google Earth says everything is just fine.