Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
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god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.