@Ygrene

Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this

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@salamingia

My wife said I’m picky. I said obviously not picky enough.

Anyone need a roommate tonight?

@KentWGraham

I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.

@jonnysun

hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping

@trumpetcake

I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too

@BuckyIsotope

“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.

@SortaBad

*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”

@WakeVII

I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.

@WheelTod

Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves

But I don’t like to point fingers

@ShootyDoody

God’s Wife: I just need some space!

God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)