Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.

Let me make this abundantly clear

– window makers probably

I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.

this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.

[first Captain to go down with the ship]

Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.

Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]

When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.

I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”

sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news

I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted

Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.

Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!

Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.

just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused

Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.

You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.

I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”

“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.

Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!

Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?

Ages pass.

Empires rise and fall.

Dolphins develop their own space program.

The old gods return.

The stars die out and the sky goes black.

Coworker: Here you go.

You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.

Suez Canal: what the hell?

container ship: PARKOUR!

@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂

what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways

My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate

Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.

Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.

I bought a metal detector.

Beach better have my money.

Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?

Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?

Cop:Lol, nevermind

Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone

My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me

People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.