Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
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I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
Don’t touch that.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
they gotta bring back House and make it about House again and it’s still House and he is the exact same character except he works at Home Depot in this one
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
“Santa isn’t real” ok, I literally just saw him at the mall
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card