Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first

*being chased by serial killer

Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit

god: i’m gonna make you murdery

cat: sweet

god: but small

cat: what

god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ

INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no

ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.

wait a minute….

Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits

Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait

911: *sigh* did he have –

Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again

If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.

LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.

People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away

you watch a movie then have to go to work the next day doesn’t seem right

I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.

I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.

I am not a smart woman.

Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.

“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”

20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!

30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!

40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!

this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets

Great news my neighbor just pedaled by on a road bike wearing spandex and when I waved at him he made finger guns so I’m no longer the least cool neighbor on my street!

Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.

A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”

*toweling off sweat from my brow, slamming a Gatorade, deep breath*

“Thank you for holding, were you able to turn it off and back on again?”

*Infinite space outside*

A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!

The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.

10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye

Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game

I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.

Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.

I’m the guy that pushes on a pull door then leaves because I think the door is locked.

I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then