Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal

If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms

I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.

Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”

“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers

What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.

Don’t throw away old pyjamas. Collect as many pairs as you can, and in the middle of the night spread them out on Russell Brand’s front lawn so that when he wakes up he’ll think he’s missed the Rapture.

Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it

If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.

Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands

I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up

Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.

So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.

Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.

I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.

Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?

Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK

My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.

4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.

I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.

[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today

Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.

Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.

karate teacher: shatter that board

me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched

teacher: not like that

board: *crying* yeah not like that

One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.

found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs

When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.

Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.

I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.

DOCTOR: you have leprosy

ME: *lmao*

cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it

dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me

I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.