Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.

“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”

My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.

Marriage is easy.

My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.

#NationalGardeningDay

when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡

[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount

*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*

Thinking of taking Easter decorations down

ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?

DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.

Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?

The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.

Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.

Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.

My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic

30’s tall, nice smile, secure job

40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice

OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.

Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.

“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums

Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?

They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me

Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.

4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.

Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.

4: Want to trade?

HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?

ME: my wife hears everything

HUSBAND 911: do I?

ME: what?

HUSBAND 911: what?

My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.

People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.

…not with her, obviously, but still.

Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.

Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?

The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.

He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.

WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday

*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence

9: Yummm! What’s that smell?

Me: Cereal

I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.