Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
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You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.