Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet

[i look out the window]

[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]

You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.

Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.

Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??

Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.

[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast

GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*

Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.

When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.

That’s more my speed.

The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.

A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape

taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out

You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.

No. You cannot have both.

“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings

For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.

I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.

[going to the moon]

Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!

Me: oh no

Co-astronaut: what

Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket

Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.

Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary

Employee: sir, this is a haunted house

Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary

If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily

Friends with no kids are like:

Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?

*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*

Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?

Me: Sure.

Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.

I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.

ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it

A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.

guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.

[interview]

What’s your greatest weakness?

ME: Probably avoiding tough questions

Can you elaborate on that?

ME: Oh hey look at the time!

Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’

*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit

Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!