Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
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Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos