*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
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Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.