*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
You Might Also Like
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
The key to being remembered isn’t delivering some big all encompassing piece of wisdom, my grandpa taught me that pinching the tail of a shrimp helps you get all the meat out and now he briefly lives again each time I go shrimp mode (happens a lot)
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”