Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First date:

*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*

Her: So, what do you do for a liv-

*bites her in half*

I’m not ready to adopt a highway I can barely raise my own driveway.

My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.

i lied there’s no sex. stand over there and tell me if this painting im hanging is straight

[Tarot reading ends]

Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!

Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.

Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.

It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos

My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions

Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.

awkward

Blocked: 1985

Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.

A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”

With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.

Therapist: tell me your dreams

Me: cheese

Therapist: no your weird dreams

Me: still cheese

Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams

Me: kinky cheese?

Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!

A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.

I’m not saying my kid is lying about reading his homework book, but he does seem to think the character is called Wee Willy Wonka

After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!

if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done

Levels of ceiling fan:
-Hurricane
-On .. ish
-How do I turn this off? maybe it’s on.. wait, is it almost off? no it’s still on

My boss just texted me and said,“Send me one of your funny jokes please.”
I replied “ I’m working hard at the moment,I will send you one later.”

He replied, “That was fantastic,send me another one.”

“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”

A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.

No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.

don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap

BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”

Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.

Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead