bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
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Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
[Opens hand sanitiser]
ＳＵｂｍｉＴ ＹｏＵｒ ＳＯｕＬ
ｔＯ ＥｔｅｒｎＡＬ ＨｅＬＬ ｆｉＲｅ
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes